Last year I entered the New York City Marathon. The race started and immediately I was the last of the runners. It was embarrassing.
My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.
In one of KC’s classes, they were discussing the qualifications to be president of the United States. It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age. However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room.
Two ropes walk in to a bar, one rope calls the bartender and says “Barkeep, let me get a couple of beers.” The bartender says “I’m sorry we dont serve ropes in here.”
A classroom full of first year Veterinary students were participating in their first day of anatomy class. For the lecture, the professor begins by unveiling a dead cow under a white sheet laying on an operating table.
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him.
Jerry was removing some engine valves from a car on the lift when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Samuel Kaiser, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager.
An ambitious young blonde woman, in need of money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type. She began, door to door, canvassing a wealthy neighborhood for work. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
1. When you sleep, people worry you’re dead.
There were three pigs.
A group of senior citizens were exchanging notes about their ailments:
A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in Las Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A recently divorced woman was walking along the beach contemplating how badly treated she had been over the settlement, when she saw a magic lamp washing up onshore. She rubbed the lamp, and out popped a genie!
Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, "Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market."
Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or alcohol.
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead.
A man walked into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the doctor asked him what had happened. "Well, it's like this," explained the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
One early evening, a police car pulled up in front of grandma Marge's house, and grandpa Stanley gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the neighborhood park and couldn't find his way home.
A Baptist preacher went to visit a member of the community and invited him to come to church Sunday morning.
One afternoon, a man went to his doctor and told him that he hasn't been feeling well lately. The doctor examined the man, left the room, and came back with three different bottles of pills.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was a few bricks shy of a full load, or two pickles short of a barrel.
Dear Abby,
The following are a few simple ways to keep burglars out of the house by putting a few signs in well-placed locations:
A Canadian, a Russian and an American all wanted to show off to each other so they each bought a new toilet. The Russian bought a wooden toilet, the Canadian bought a marble toilet, and the American bought a musical toilet.
An elderly couple was watching television one evening. The wife said, "I am going to get a dish of ice cream now." Kindly, the husband offered to get the ice cream for his wife. "I'll write it down so you don't forget," she said.
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
Young man Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the department manager.
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth $37.50 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth $8.95.
Edwin and Cheryl had married under none too happy circumstances, and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
One day, Adam sat outside the Garden of Eden shortly after eating the apple, and wondered about men and women. So looking up to the heavens he said, "Excuse me God, can I ask you a few questions?"
A well-known proverb states that an optimistic would say a glass is half full, while a pessimist would say it is half empty. What would people of different professions and walks of life say?
- It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at 50,000 per month.
Patient: It isn't possible that I'm as overweight as you say I am.
It was a really hot day at the office due to a malfunction with the air conditioning system. There were about twenty people in close quarters and everyone was sweating, even with a fan on.
The Chief Rabbi of Israel and the Pope are in a meeting in Rome. The Rabbi notices an unusally fancy phone on a side table in the Pope's private chambers. "What is that phone for?" he asks the pontiff.
Investigators at a major research institution recently discovered the heaviest element known to science and have tentatively named it Adminstratium.
The surgeon told his patient that woke up after having been operated: "I'm afraid we're going to have to operate you again. Because, you see, I forgot my rubber gloves inside you."
A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail.
A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
UNIX Airways
