TWO HEARTS

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away.

Another doctor runs into the room and says, "You're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "The attorney's."

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

SLEEPING ON THE JOB

10 Excuses YOU Can Use If Caught Sleeping At Work:

10. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the white out. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

3. "The coffee machine is broken."

2. "Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot."

1. " ... in God's name, Amen."

RESPONSIBILITY

Employer to applicant: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

FROM A CHILD'S MOUTH

Several years ago, when I lived in New York and flew to customer sites often, my wife would usually drop me off at Newark airport and pick me up when I returned. On one trip, I was only going to be gone for a few days, so I drove myself, and parked the car at Newark.

When I returned, the weather was lousy, and it was late at night. I wanted nothing more than to get home to the comfort of my wife and my own bed. When I arrived, the storm was very loud, with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children, Alex (3) and Cindy (12), in bed with my wife, Carolyn, apparently scared by the loud storm.

I resigned myself to sleeping in the guestroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was okay to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said okay.

After my next trip several weeks later, Carolyn and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers.

As I entered the waiting area, Alex saw me, and came running shouting "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "Hi, Alex! And what is the good news?"

"The good news is that nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

*Taken from ArcaMax Publishing.

THREE WISHES

Three men, an editor, a photographer and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The photographer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch," replied the editor. "The deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in ten hours."

*Taken from ArcaMax Publishing.

FISHERMAN NOAH

Billy and Willy were at Sunday school studying about Noah's ark. On the way home, Willy asked, "Do you think Noah did much fishing?"

"How could he?" said Billy. "He only had two worms."





*Taken from ArcaMax Publishing.

AD TRANSLATION

- Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick," a curling iron, into Germany only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had use for the "Manure Stick."

- The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?" prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"

- An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I Saw the Pope" (el Papa), the shirts read "I Saw the Potato" (la papa). 

- Pepsi's "Come Alive With the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From the Grave" in Chinese.

- Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "It takes a strong man to make a tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to make a chicken affectionate." 

- The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning "Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the mouth."

- When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to have read, "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you."The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

*Taken from ArcaMax Publishing.