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An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.
The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.
The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over space.
The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols.
The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it know?"
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"The girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
An airliner was having engine trouble so the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."
One night in a sleepy town, a huge chemical plant exploded into flames. The alarm went off and departments from miles around raced to the scene.
After fighting the fire for over an hour the chemical company president approached the fire chief, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!"
At that,the firemen attacked with a renewed gusto.
Two hours later they still had not gained any ground. At that, the company president offered $100,000 to the engine company that brought out the company's secret files.
In the distance, the wail of yet another siren was heard and soon another fire truck came into sight. The fire chief shook his head, aware it was that little rinky-dink volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. Much to his amazement, though, the fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove right into the middle of the inferno. He could see the old timers hopping off their rig , fighting the fire with an effort that he had never before witnessed.
Less than an hour later, the fire was out and the secret formulas were saved by this group of volunteers! The chemical company president was so ecstatic he doubled the reward to $200,000!
After thanking the volunteers , the chemical company president couldn't help but ask what they planned to do with the reward money. The engineer (driver) looked him tight in the eye, ready with his answer. "First thing we 'll do is fix the stupid brakes on that truck!"
A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approach him and beat him up.
He is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises.
Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant's office. "What happened to you? the officer asks.
"A gang of snails beat me up," Herman replied.
"Can you describe what they looked like?" "I don't know," the sloth says. "It all happened so fast."
A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.
The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
A person was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. Unable to locate the Capitol building, the person asked a police officer for directions, "Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?"
The officer replied, "Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there."
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the person is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said, "Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?"
The person replied, "Don't worry, officer, it won't be long now. The 45th bus just went by!"
